DUNGEONS & DRAGGING: ‘The Sword and The Sorceror’ is Stoner Gold

How did I miss this gem when it came out?

The story begins with the hero’s obligatory childhood viewing of his parents being killed by evil face Cromwell, so righteous purpose can be sledgehammered into the plot. The kid runs off to grow in stature and in revenge lust.  This is not before his father grants him the sword to end all swords: a ridiculous superweapon that would inspire Gillette for decades, complete with projectile blades (with no discernible firing mechanism).

The hero comes back many years later, and has morphed into a mixure of Shia LaBeouf and the Ultimate Warrior.  He still has his sword, whose many blades are ultimately needed to cut through the miles and miles of hamming being done on every line, no matter how mundane.  At least we get amazing audio cues for character entrances and fight scenes.

Hmmm.  The hero saves a group of rebels from a row of flaming bows and arrows, because of course he did.  Then he saves the damsel dujour from a street assault, only to barter for her virginity moments later on their first date.  I’m going to call that a push.

By the way, did the costume designer actually hate doing this movie?  I wonder because the abundance of bad wigs and tacky rabbit skins is breathtaking.  The only time they got it right was for the wedding ceremony.  DAMN damsel looked good in that dress, as Cromwell literally shined in his formal armor.

Mr. Hero and the rebels go through various stages of being caught, tortured and rescued.  None of it matters, as it’s only an excuse to show the damsel buck naked getting an oil massage.  Got a problem with that?

Er, I’m getting confused now.  Why didn’t that torture guy just stop peddling that stone grinder when Superfly Snuka put him in that deadly full nelson?  That seems like a strange commitment to the scene, but whatever.  Weren’t those crucification nails too big to actual work?  And how to you hold a sword afterwards?  Is this fight scene really in this much slow-mo or am I too high?

The final showdown just raised more questions:  Who decided to go pink and purple for the sword strikes?  HOLY CRAP is that another sword in the handle?  Did Cromwell really just pull out two more blades?  Is that yet another blade in the hero’s wrist??  Did that monster really think he had a good plan, hiding in plain sight for the entire movie only to have a disgusting reveal and quick death?

The rest of the rebel forces are sitting around a dinner table with bodies everywhere, like the aftermath of a weirdly violent orgy.  They are only there to watch the hero swing away with his bartered tail and the implications thereof.  There was also no reason to ride off into the sunset with a bunch of arbitrary dudes at the end, but it happened anyway.

So, if you haven’t seen The Sword and The Sorceror lately, make sure you’ve prepared for its awesomeness appropriately before firing up that laser disc.

Are there any other unappreciated stoner gems out there?
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